Oct 21 2008


Published by admin at 11:48 pm under Uncategorized

The sermon at my church this past weekend had a huge impact on me. Part of it focused on just how much God loves and values us. It isn’t that I haven’t heard that sort of message before, because I have. But this time, it helped me see something different.

My relationship with God hasn’t been quite as close or strong as it should be. It’s definitely better now than it was when I was still dealing with my porn addiction, but there’s always been a certain distance there. I could attribute that to any number of things… and I’m sure there’s plenty of reasons in reality… but this weekend it was like God turned the spotlight on one area.

A couple of months ago, my pastor suggested that I read Ps 131. Here it is from the NLT:

1 Lord, my heart is not proud;
my eyes are not haughty.
I don’t concern myself with matters too great
or too awesome for me to grasp.

2 Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself,
like a weaned child who no longer cries for its mother’s milk.
Yes, like a weaned child is my soul within me.

3 O Israel, put your hope in the Lord
now and always.

He went on to explain the imagery in a way that I just hadn’t considered before.

A weaned child isn’t an infant, it’s a child that doesn’t need to nurse anymore. The New American Standard bible puts it this way “Like a weaned child rests against his mother.” So the picture there is of a child who climbs into his mother’s lap, not because he needs food, but to find comfort and just be close to his mother.

My pastor went on to suggest that this was the kind of relationship I needed to have with God. It was one of those things that just resonated with me immediately — I knew that what he was saying was true, I knew that I needed to have that kind of relationship with God… but at the same time, I couldn’t imagine myself actually getting there.

What he was describing was a relationship with God that involved something emotional… and I was terrified to go there for a lot of different reasons. I kinda “shut down” the emotional side of my relationship with God as a defensive thing years ago.

On Sunday, when my pastor was talking about how much God loved and valued us, I realized that there was still a part of me that just didn’t accept that as true… at least not for me. Even though I had asked God to forgive me many times for my sin, there was still a part of me that felt absolutely disgusting and unlovable… a part of me that believed NO ONE would ever want to get that close to me, not even God.

I wish I could say that I had a wonderful life-changing moment of “revelation” and the walls came down and my relationship with God became instantly wonderful. That hasn’t happened. But I know that God is up to something in my life…

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